by Ryan Wong
“Be careful when you tread on eggs, dear.”
An elderly lady in a place not so far away said this to me once. For years, I struggled to find its meaning—who in their right mind would go around walking on eggs of all things? And then it suddenly made perfect sense.
Let’s assume for a moment that you had no clue what an egg was. Rest a finger atop a steady shell and you may find that these so-called “eggs” are nothing but oddly rotund pebbles. But lift one out from the pack and, even in the lightest clutch, the egg trembles, its flawless seams already ripping apart. All it takes is a tap against the countertop, and crack! Albumen seeps from the fissure like a lazy waterfall onto the pan. Some of it might get on your fingers, but that’s alright. Everyone starts somewhere.
The problem is, most people do not start at all, preferring to let their eggs fester in the fridge for decades and even lifetimes out of obliviousness or sheer ignorance. And honestly, it is not hard to see why. Eggs are unassuming. Everyday. So plainly average. Crack open a carton and you will see a dozen of them in beige and white, staring back as if you were the crazy one for even bothering to spare a glance. Of course, I am no longer talking about the eggs we eat, but rather about masculinity: just as fragile, yet much less appetizing than your morning omelet.
Masculinity is not inherently a bad thing. Nonetheless, it has become so intrinsically entangled with apathetic, aggressive, and predatory behavior that the line between masculinity and “manliness” is virtually indistinguishable. Whether at frat houses, bars, offices, or schools, this toxic masculinity affects males regardless of their race, religion, or sexual orientation. It is perhaps a syrup, forced down the throats of boys the moment they learn to walk. These boys, fresh eggs, grow up hearing phrases like “boys don’t cry” spoken by the parents, teachers, and adults they look up to for guidance. The adults themselves grew up hearing the same thing; their parents the same as well. Generations of bad eggs, all trapped in the same archaic cycle.
An egg can only withstand so much pressure before it cracks. Men, expected all their lives to assert dominance and suppress their emotions, to “act like real men”, either suffer in silence or self-destruct under this weight. Society’s unspoken rule that boys must conform to such a standard—with failure to do so resulting in exclusion—is the reason why so many men suffer later on from mental illnesses like depression, and seek relief not in the arms of their mothers, but in brown glass bottles of alcohol. After all, they have never known how to be vulnerable with anyone else, having endured every insecurity since young on their own.
The storm brewing within many men is an ugly one: a lifetime’s worth of frustration, sadness, and tight-lipped contempt, carved into their very being after decades of stoic machismo. And though many endure this turmoil alone, other men become the storm, choosing to inflict suffering on those they deem inferior to themselves. Be it a minor inconvenience or power trip, these men will “discipline”, harass, and murder women, children, and members of minority groups whilst spurred on by their male friends and colleagues. One such example is “locker-room talk”: an excuse for adolescents and adult men to objectify and degrade women, accepted by their (male) coaches and managers when asked to intervene. Aside from these vulgar remarks, they are also able to get away with violent acts of homophobia and transphobia. Derogatory slurs and hazings targeting these marginalized communities are a major contributor to suicides and self-harm amongst LGBTQ+ youth.
“Boys will be boys”. This is the response often given by teachers when girls come forward with their experiences of bullying or assault. Not only do phrases like these fail to nip the issue in the bud, but they also enable the inappropriate behavior of boys, teaching them that violating boundaries is acceptable and that they will not face any repercussions for doing so. Juvenile wrongdoings like hair-pulling and name-calling, if not stopped early on, lead to verbal and physical abuse among other serious acts of misogyny down the road.
The old woman’s warning to be cautious, as if she had tried to stand up for herself before being reprimanded for it, is something everyone needs to embrace. The fight to dismantle toxic masculinity, and, by extension, the foundations on which we have built ourselves upon, will not be easy. However, that does not mean it is impossible.
Where do we start? For one, by reevaluating ourselves. Are we contributing to the problem, and if we are, what do we do to stop? Acknowledge any outdated opinions you may hold and let go of them. Hold yourself accountable for any traditionally masculine stereotypes you’ve enforced, intentionally or unintentionally. Liking fashion, makeup, and the color pink isn’t inherently feminine, nor does it make men “gay”. Boys who want to dress up as Disney princesses shouldn’t be chastised, and men who enjoy musicals or ballet shouldn’t be blindly labeled as queer.
Unfortunately, this is easier said than done, especially in the strongly conservative and patriarchal cultures of Asia and the Middle East where men are regularly persecuted and killed for displaying even the slightest hint of femininity. We have assigned genders to so many traits we possess regardless of our biological sex that seeing men in dresses is bizarre to most and a crime punishable by death to others. Nevertheless, that does not mean it isn’t getting better. With each passing day, more and more people shed their prejudices in favor of acceptance or even just tolerance—the bare minimum, but still better than nothing. Members of Generation Z in particular are vastly more open-minded compared to their predecessors, and it’s a good thing, considering that us “Zoomers” will be the leaders and policymakers of our world in a matter of decades.
The bottom line: masculinity is like an egg. Though it may appear to be solid, it is, in fact, fragile. A balloon filled with poisonous gas. And when a woman or any other person dares to hold a pin to this balloon, men, needing to uphold their position of power as they have been taught to do so, explode. This is why we must stop associating masculinity with dominance and aggression, and why we must stop enforcing these dangerous norms upon our children: so that maybe one day, no man will feel threatened when he sees a bold, self-assured woman, and no woman has to fear for her life whilst walking alone at night, or standing up to a man.
“He’d offer you an egg if you promised not to break the shell.”