sometimes i forget how to be happy. how to live in the moment.
because i know it will never last—i know one day it’s going to end. whenever i go to some sort of party, i think to myself, ‘wow, this is going to be over in a few hours. what i’ve been anticipating for the past week is going to go by in a span of five hours or so’. but in a way, this gives me appreciation. i learn to value the time i get to be in this fleeting moment.
i miss the old days of sitting in circles and talking about absolutely nothing. going to school discos with flashing lights and the bass of an old pop song vibrating through me. holding hands with people i don’t even know and dancing as people circle around me. screaming the lyrics of an old-ish bop as the childhood memories attached to it courses through me. jumping up and down, sweat sticking to the back of my shirt, my breath slowly giving out. a red solo cup in my hand and forgotten glow sticks lying around, my feet sticking to the floor as my heart beats to the rhythm of the song. seeing the flashing, illusionistic faces of my friends and their smiles from ear to ear. we were so happy.
i miss running on abandoned roads in the middle of the night. having a first kiss that blooms pink on my lips and flowers that grow from where they touch my skin. adrenaline piercing through my heart and seeping into your brain, pervading it with a snake of decievement. the kind of drunk, bubbly laughter that won’t stop—then fades away for a moment—then when you look at them that warm explosion of intoxication reignites again. i yearn for these things again, but it’s a senseless longing. a simple mirage.
